We’ve all been there, the moment you break up with someone and wonder if you should give back gifts or their items of clothing you’ve basically claimed as your own.
If the relationship ended amicably, I have no problem giving back that shirt or books I borrowed. Sometimes it’s too painful to wear the necklace they got you for Christmas because it reminds you of how much of a scumbag they were. Other times, you’re damn right I’m keeping that hoodie that you never wear anyway.
Here are my favorite items that I have kept (stolen) from exes that I don’t plan on giving back… unless they read this article and ask for them back. In that case, oops, silly me! I must’ve forgotten that I still had it!
Depeche Mode Shirt
This was given to me a few weeks after I met the dude who owns it. He actually went to this concert (yeah, he was older) and decided that he would never wear it, but so as long as he could see me wearing it, then he would be happy. Makes sense, right? That is, if he didn’t plan on breaking up with me 3 times in the same month because he was a mentally unstable 42-year-old who thought I cheated on him with Josh Groban (long story).
This shirt fits me incredibly well and Enjoy The Silence is my JAM! He’ll have to pry this shirt off my cold, dead body to get it back. Or ask nicely.
One of my exes had an iPad sent to him from a casino because he’s an insane gambler and I decided to keep it for myself. He already had the iPad 1 AND 2! What did he need with another one? I told him I needed to borrow it to use as my modeling portfolio (which I did), but when we broke up I just kept it. He either forgot about it, or thinks about it once a month and thinks he’s going insane because he cannot find it anywhere.
I love love love old smelly thrift store sweatshirts. This one is so adorable. Pink and teal and says California on it? Yes please. I saw this in my ex’s closet and borrowed it when we went on a trip to Yosemite and “forgot” to return it.
Salo, or The 120 Days of Sodom
I broke a guy’s heart AND stole his book about sadism and anal rape? What kind of a monster am I? I actually haven’t spoken to this ex since the last time I saw him. We only dated for 5 months but he was talking about marriage and I was only 25. Why would I ever date someone who actually wanted to commit to me? Pfffft, that seems crazy.
My ex and I were going on a 2-week cruise (I’m secretly 55 years old) and we needed more luggage, so he bought a few large bags. When I moved out of his house, I needed to use one of his bags to pack my clothes, and I said I would return it eventually. It’s been over 2 years. Whoops? I don’t want to give it back! Tumi bags are really nice and expensive.
This actually happened again with my most recent ex when I flew back from London. I actually thought the suitcase was mine, but it was his bag which was EXACTLY the same as the one I already had. So now I have 2 large Tumi bags. Both belonging to exes. Screw ’em!
Yo! MTV Raps Bel Biv Devoe Card
This is one of my most prized possessions. I straight up jacked this from an ex a long time ago. I keep it in my passport because that seems like the safest place. Also, it’s fun going through TSA and when the card falls out I get to say, “Oops, what is my original Yo! MTV Raps Bel Biv Devoe trading card doing in there?”
Alright, I know I’m not the only one who has “borrowed” items from exes and “forgot” to return them. Let’s see some of your best scores.