48 Hours in NYC


I get an email from my NYC agents that I booked a job August 22nd. I haven’t worked in over a month so I was extremely happy. I book a flight through Virgin because it’s the best fucking airline in the world. Their decor doesn’t look like it’s straight out of Falcon Crest and the flight attendants are always in a good mood. There seems to be less old people and babies on Virgin flights too. There’s nothing like an old person grabbing the back of your seat to stand up, actually they’re worse than Hitler. Also, the people who immediately make a call on their phones as soon as the plane lands can go fuck themselves too. “YEAH WE JUST LANDED. WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M ON THE PLANE. PICK ME UP IN 15 MINUTES.” Look, asshole, everyone is getting a ride too, why can’t you text your pal instead? I love flying, can’t you tell?

I brought High Fidelity to read on the plane. My favorite chapter is called “checking twitter for 5 hours instead.” Let’s be honest, ever since in-flight internet there’s no chance in hell any of us are reading books. I prefer drinking bloody marys and drunken twitter stalking my ex boyfriend and all the new girls he follows.
“Who the fuck is this girl? Oh, she’s ugly. Next. Who the fuck is this girl? Meh, not as funny as me. Next. Who the fuck is this? Oh, she’s married. Next.”

I’m ridiculous. I know. You don’t need to tell me.

5 drunken hours later we land. My phone blows up with non-iMessage texts, who are these schlubs who don’t own iPhones? I get quite a few distressing texts saying my friend has lost her mind, has been on drugs for two days, and is contemplating suicide. I’m a fucking basket case. I’m in New York without any way of helping her. I call her, no answer. I talk to my friend who is with her, I guess she has calmed down a little but is delirious and acting strange. I tell her to keep on eye on her overnight and I’ll check in with her the next morning. Ugh. I feel helpless. My friend texts back not to worry and she’s handing the situation. I feel a little better. I hop on the air-train to Jamaica and transfer to the E into Manahttan. It’s 10pm but it’s still 80 degrees and humid. I’m sweating more than Bruce Vilanch. I bet that guy sweats so much. I get off at Grand Central and decide to walk the 10 blocks to where I’m staying. Fuck, I missed NYC.

At about 11pm I’m hanging out reading twitter, contemplating going to bed because my call time is 9am. I get a text from Anthony asking if I’m in NY. I text him back and he asks me to meet him for drinks. I say sure. Why not, right?!?

I take a cab up to Hell’s Kitchen and skip over to him sitting at the bar. We both just laugh at each other. It’s the first time we’ve hung out since we broke up. I order a Stella and notice Anthony has two iPhones stacked on top of each other.

“So THAT’S the secret phone you were hiding from me the entire year we lived together?”
“Oh whatever! It’s ummm, okay, yes it’s the phone. I’m such an ass!”
Yes. Yes you are.

I found out about this phone from listening to Opie & Anthony a few months prior. Apparently he hid it under the mattress every night so I wouldn’t read texts from, ehem, secret people? I don’t even want to know what was going on inside of that thing. He and Jim Norton would talk about their “Good Boy Phone” and “Naughty Boy Phone.” Wonderful. Anyway. I talk with Anthony for a few hours, then we go to a shitty diner and eat french fries. I make it home by 3am-ish. I’m really good at not holding grudges, which I’m not sure is a good quality. I still listen to his show because he’ll always make me laugh. I ultimately want him to be happy because I did have a really fun time with him, and I learned how to play blackjack. That counts for something right?

I slept maybe 4 hours, I couldn’t stop worrying about my friend and the fact that I was completely helpless and 3,000 miles away. I woke up at 8 and barely could get myself out of bed. I take a cab to my shoot because I’m far too lazy to take the subway. The other model I’m working with is basically a younger version of Naomi Campbell.


I feel gross and fat. I shouldn’t have ate those french fries or drank beer last night. I’m a shitty model. The hairstylist wants to use my bangs. I hate my bangs. I’m sick of bangs. Bangs are for annoying rockabilly girls and burlesque dancers. By the way, burlesque dancers, just because you have bangs it doesn’t make you not a stripper. I really like my eyebrows, so I feel like bangs take away from them. Really interesting stuff, huh?


The shoot is about 4 hours, it goes by quickly. I miss the days of making a few months rent in a matter of hours. LA, you’re killing me. I decide to walk back to Murray Hill from Soho, but it’s fucking raining, and also it’s 90 degrees and humid. I miss humidity so much. There’s nothing quite as wonderful as being outside at midnight in the Midwest during August. But fuck the rain, I hop on the subway and go back to where I’m sleeping that night. When I’m in NYC I hate cars, how dare they impede on pedestrians! When I’m in LA I hate pedestrians, get a fucking car you losers!

My phone blows up with texts saying my friend was found on the floor in her closet curled up in a ball crying and saying she doesn’t want to live anymore. They took her to rehab, it’s fucked up. This year has been incredibly stressful, unpredictable, but amazing at the same time. It started with my drama-filled breakup with Anthony, my sister getting married, a long-distance romance via twitter resulting in me moving to LA only to break up with the guy 3 times, getting a manager and agent from tweeting about that shithead Brian Presley, moving back to NYC, moving back to LA a few days later, breaking up with a guy who basically asked me to marry him, writing a book proposal, pitching TV shows, falling in love again, and worrying about my friend in rehab.

I attract insane people, or am I attracted to them? I’m definitely intrigued by them, and part of me wishes I was as nuts as the people I surround myself with. I envy the loud, outgoing, over-the-top personalities of my friends and men I date. I like to have my mind occupied and distracted from my everyday life because I feel like I’m not at the point where I want to be. I’m really hard on myself, I need to stop that. Someone tell me to stop fucking doing that, please.

After my shoot I walk around NYC, get a slice of pizza (how New York of me) and avoid texts from people who I said I would grab drinks with. Surely the guy didn’t notice I was sending tweets instead of replying to his texts, right??? I just didn’t feel like having a good time. I was worried that I would fall back in love with NYC and regret moving to LA. I upgraded my return flight seat to first class because if you do it within 8 hours of the flight it’s only $200 as opposed to $1000. I’m really good at flying, you guys. I return to LA and am greeted at the airport by a wonderful man who is thrilled to have me back. That ends my 2 day love affair with New York City.

21 responses to “48 Hours in NYC

  1. I love the way you write. I honestly do. Stop being so hard on yourself! I hope you find what you’re looking for.

  2. can i remain anonymous?

    This is way too long for your blog but I just wanted to write it anyway. I, for one, am glad you met James. He seems so sweet and I really loved the way he had his arm around you in that picture either you or he posted. I never saw Anthony holding you or being that close to you but then maybe those moments were kept private. It’s just really nice to see you with someone who seems to really care about your feelings and who seems to really love you ALOT. On that note, I can understand why you still feel the way you do about Anthony. There is something about him, his sense of humor, the excitement he stirs up, the bad boy image he tries to portray when deep down he seems to be very sweet and kind, all somehow very attractive and addicting. If only I hadn’t seen that sweet side of him but now I know it exists. He’s a big softie. Of course he’s got some not so good qualities too, but don’t we all, and if he didn’t he probably wouldn’t have a job in the entertainment industry. I only knew (followed?) him for a few months via twitter, but in that short time I felt like I got to know him pretty well and I can see why you were, and still are, attracted to him. He’s a hard habit to break. I still find myself checking out his twitter to see what he’s up to. He was one of the most fun people to follow on twitter (besides you of course!) But then when you think about how he always flirts with other girls constantly, always looking for the next one, it kinda takes a bit of the fascination away. But just a bit. I admit I am still innocently smitten with him in a weird sort of way but I try to keep my distance. Trust me, nothing ever happened between us in real life or on twitter! I was just an observer, a follower and an admirer. He was one of the first celebrities on here to tweet back and I admit, it was very exciting! I can see why these girls gush all over him. But I also keep seeing you feeling bad because you’re angry, you miss him and you still have feelings for him, are jealous of the girls he follows, etc. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. You probably secretly wish he would drop this new chick and text you that he wants you back, and that he can’t live without you! But that’s just the way we think, not the way he thinks. He just wants to have fun and I don’t blame him. He’s rich, he’s famous, he can probably do anything he wants or be with whoever he wants to be with. But think about it, so can you. This has to be so hard on you. I just want both of you to be happy. His new girlfriend, while she seems very nice, just doesn’t seem to have your great personality and sense of humor. But then I didn’t get to know her as well as I did you and frankly, I don’t want to. I can’t tell you how good I felt when I saw James for the first time. It’s like I knew he was a good guy and I just hope that things work out well for you two. I’d love to see you happy. Anthony’s gonna be happy as long as he’s getting some, although I don’t think he’s as happy as he wants us to think he is although he will pretend he is, (he kinda has to keep up the image you know). I really do think he misses being with you but the lower part of him wants to be with all that he can. Again, I am just an observer on twitter, I could be wrong about everything. But as long as there are girls on twitter that will text him, he will be fine. They all love a celebrity! (Especially a dj because he can kinda talk about them on the air and how sexy is that? Trust me I know.) He’s a simple man with simple needs and I mean that in a nice way. He’s rich but he doesn’t act like it and that in it’s own way is attractive. Now you need to go get you some, and by that I mean love and I think you found it with James. I think with time you will really learn to like the nice. I look at James’ picture on twitter and I get such a good feeling about him and my intuition is usually right. Good luck to you sweetie! I was praying for you to meet someone who would be good to you and I think James is that person. Enjoy each other for however long it lasts, a few months or hopefully, forever.

  3. Stop being so fucking hard on yourself.
    I met you briefly about a year ago at a Jimmy show and you were so nice to me. My brother in law met you shortly after that and went on about how nice you were to him. You are a good person. And you’re a fantastic writer & story teller. I want you to make it because I think you deserve it and you obviously have the talent.
    Also, I’ve lived in NY my whole life (queens) and I am still in love with this city. When it’s got you, it’s got you. xoxo

  4. Good grief, Anthony needs to get over himself. He’s like Al Pacino in “The Devil’s Advocate.” He is lucky a woman like you would be seen in public with him.

  5. So that black model got Jackie Chan to do her make-up!?!
    How awesome is that?

  6. You are gr8.

  7. I’m really impressed with your blog. I woke up earlier than necessary today and couldn’t get back to sleep and I started to read your recent entries. You’re incredibly likable. I have no problem imagining someone falling for you over twitter. Good luck with the new fella. I hope he’s sincere with you. From what you’re willing to share with people, you really seem to deserve a decent, thoughtful man. I have no idea why I feel entitled to make this statement, and I’m sure sorry if it feels heavy handed!

  8. Pills, injections and plain starvation: The dangerous extremes models go to for the Fashion Week runways

    Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/09/05/pills-injections-and-plastic-suits-dangerous-extremes-models-go-to-to-walk/?cmpid=cmty_twitter_fn

    Any thoughts?

  9. The next time you’re not reading a book, definitely don’t read The Four Agreements.

  10. If Phyllis is so down on models, why come here? I

  11. @Jun. Melissa Stetten is hardly uncritical about the modeling industry.

  12. Hey Melissa,

    i saw one of your videos on yt in which you got this how-to-properly-walk-on-heels training thing

    how to? Do you get used to walking without an idiot on really high heels or is there a good
    advice you could give??

  13. This is quite interesting and exciting watching to see if Melissa can move from model/foul mouthed writer of a blog and provocative twitterer / serial dater of moderately famous people to gag writer/ scriptwriter/ standup comedian / actress.

  14. That “Hey Teens! with Jon & Eric” podcast was excruciating. Their stories were terrible and had no point. They didn’t let you talk when they asked you a question. I think they were in awe of your beauty as at first as they came across as tongue-tied teenagers gawking at their best friend’s hot mom! No wonder the wife of one of them was there; probably to keep him in line.

    All in all, you humored them and were very patient. You express yourself well and have a pleasant speaking voice.

    Have you considered doing stand up comedy?

    You write in an engaging and witty way and seem to have an ear for comedy and most importantly, good timing.

    You probably have have a rich seam of comedy material you could mine from your experiences in modeling.

  15. I simply want to mention I’m new to blogging and site-building and honestly savored your website. Likely I’m going to bookmark your blog . You surely have terrific article content. Regards for sharing your blog site.

  16. I love how that African American lady on the subway looks horrified that you took her picture.

    Good luck with the career. Maybe James Gunn will cast you in something wonderful!

  17. I am often to running a blog and i really appreciate your content. The article has actually peaks my interest. I’m going to bookmark your website and maintain checking for brand spanking new information.

  18. Are you taking September off from blogging? Quit being so lazy and write something! How are you gonna be a writer if you don’t WRITE?!?

  19. Why don’t you write about the time you went for dinner at your parent’s house with Anthony Cumia.

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