Male Models

If you find Matthew McConaughey attractive I probably hate you, because I hate him. His hair is dumb, his face is dumb, and the way he leans against things is dumb. I dare you to find a movie poster where he’s not standing next to a girl who has a scarf around his neck with the “you better watch out for this guy!” look on her dumb face. WHY do people pay actual real money to watch those garbage movies? Someone will work at a job, most likely doing something they hate, to make enough money to drive themselves to a movie theater and give someone $12 to sit in a cold bed bug ridden theater to watch Matthew fucking McConaughey get into a sticky situation with a lady. Hilarity ensues! Oh, wait, no it doesn’t. I’d rather eat a hat full of boogers than sit through a minute of a romcom.

Yesterday I had a photo shoot for a well known camera company. My role was “cute girl walking through the park at night with her boyfriend.” Easy, right? Well not exactly if you had to work with the genius male model I was booked with. He was a spitting image of Matthew McConaughey circa Dazed and Confused. I would’ve had an easier time playing charades with my cat. All this guy had to do was hold my hand, smile, and pretend like we were in love. Oh, and don’t look at the camera. Guess what dummy kept doing? Posing like a fucktard and staring directly into the camera! It was 42 degrees, windy, and we were wearing a springtime wardrobe. I wanted to be done with it ASAP.

After about 20 minutes the photographer speaks with Donnie Dumbbell:
“I’m not feeling a connection between you two, look in her eyes and smile, laugh, tell a joke, just anything.”
I start telling my hilarious jokes to make him laugh and he keeps looking out into space. Even the PA was laughing. I pulled out my talking muffin joke* and the model says “Oh, that’s not really that funny.” That’s not the fucking point genius just smile and do your job! I have to jump on his back and give him a hug, but he keeps dropping me. After an hour we finally got the shot. The photographer thanks me for being patient and professional. My hands are numb and I eat a slice of pizza to celebrate (not the crust, don’t be ridiculous!). The model apologizes for “not really being into it at first and taking a while to find my groove.” Ugh, he said groove.

Most girls I work with date male models. This frightens me. The last thing I want is a man who worries about what he looks like. 10% of guys I’ve dated are into fashion. The only thing a guy should ever wear is a nice slightly-fitted not-too-tight pair of jeans, any fucking t-shirt, a hoodie, and some sort of converse all stars or those cute oxford kinda dressy but casual shoes. Holy shit I think I just described the lead singer of any acoustic guitar playing band. Well whatever, I think guys are cute in that. I HATE when guys wear old man gym shoes, it makes me angry. You couldn’t find ANY other shoes than those ugly comfortable lace up orthopedic shoes? At least try to look cute. Come on. I understand if you are Mike Patton or the bassist for U2 and you want to wear Nikes because you’re old and you don’t give a fuck, but not a guy in his 30′s-40′s, especially if you are dating a model, who works in fashion.

I like an interesting face on a guy, but honestly that’s the last thing I pay attention to. Ok, I would never date a horribly disfigured man or burn victim, I’m a model for petes sake. Have a good haircut and brush your teeth, it’s fucking simple. If you use expensive face moisturizer you’re probably gay, which means I will like you even more and we can totes go to Sephora together! I don’t think any guy I’ve dated would be considered attractive by middle america. Attractiveness depends on how smart and funny a guy is. The better the jokes, the more I want to bone. Bonus points for a great Ronald Reagen impression.

*Talking muffin joke:
So two muffins are in an oven, one muffin says to the other,
“Holy shit, I think this guy is gonna eat us!”
The other muffin says,
“Holy shit! A talking muffin!”