At one point in my life I was able to predict when my relationships would end the minute I started one. 5 months. That was the magic number. That’s how long it takes me to get bored of someone, which is why I will never be married. When I moved to LA I started dating guys, A LOT of them. At one point I had 5 guys in rotation. That’s not slutty, it’s fucking commendable if you ask me. I had to be in dating mode ALL THE TIME. I don’t know where all that energy came from. I think moving from a small midwestern town to the shithole that is LA was a catalyst for exploring guys who didn’t wear Abercrombie and Fitch and flip flops everyday.
I would date each guy for roughly 5 months, replacing each one as they disenchanted me. I was in love with a different guy multiple times a year, exchanging them for an upgrade. My life was like fucking iTunes. I was flying to Paris every month to visit one guy, dating a broke musician who would cook for me when I was home, while falling in love with multiple comedians, sending love letters to a dirty drug-addict in Yosemite, and going to another guy’s art shows in Venice. I replaced the guy in Paris for a nerd in Vancouver who I broke up with because he wore a Canadian tuxedo (seriously), the musician got exchanged for a music video director with a Wyatt Earp mustache, somehow a trumpet-playing-Scientologist made his way into the mix, followed by a sex-obsessed writer who turned every text conversation into a porno, and now a radio show host who’s twice my age. My birth control pills are like candy from one of those Christmas advent calendars.
But why the fuck were they dating me? And why was I the one to always break their hearts? I don’t get it. I don’t understand guys. I asked all of them what it was they saw in me. The answers varied from “you’re funny and hot, that never exists” or “you’re not psycho and you act like a dude” or “you’re more like a guy than a girl.” That whole girl being more like a dude thing is a little gross, right? Don’t guys WANT girls? Why is it better if we act like dudes? I invited a friend over to play nintendo on my projector and he said “I’d totally date you if I was gay.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Do they think I’m cool because I’ve never had a manicure and I like video games? Guys are fucking idiots.
Guys are visual. They know what they like visually. But guys are scared of women *being* women. They want simple and straightforward and uncomplicated. And the more you’re like a guy, the more you are something they can understand.
“That whole girl being more like a dude thing is a little gross, right?”
Ugh. Glad you called it out. Way to slam an entire gender–the gender of the person you’re trying to impress, at that! There’s a not-very-nice word for men like that. I’m glad you picked up on the gross factor–it’s a huge red flag, but when I was 22, I inexplicably took it for a compliment. Good times.
“My birth control pills are like candy from one of those Christmas advent calendars.”
I really like your blog! It has to be the best haphazard half-arsed Google search result this week, at least.
Here’s the kicker, though it’s somewhat blurry to explain:
Most of “normal” girls reflect on normal girls. IE they dont overthink much and just react instinctively. You’ve learned to react laterally, more like guys do. Guys telling you they see a dude in you is not a gay thing, just observation you’re using primarily male speech patterns, especially when around guys.
That is just *huge* cock magnet for some. It is often hardwired somewhere deep down to keep strong woman around, because she won’t depend on the guy for material/emotional/whatever support. Problem is, you’re not really that strong as you tend to display. You’ll burst into tears when nobody is looking. You’re popping antidepressants like M&M’s. Find a guy who knows what he’s dealing with and things may work out, but don’t try to castrate him, ffs.
If that sounds somewhat garbled (not a native speaker), here’s a related rage comics: http://i.imgur.com/0fdL4.png