At one point in my life I was able to predict when my relationships would end the minute I started one. 5 months. That was the magic number. That’s how long it takes me to get bored of someone, which is why I will never be married. When I moved to LA I started dating guys, A LOT of them. At one point I had 5 guys in rotation. That’s not slutty, it’s fucking commendable if you ask me. I had to be in dating mode ALL THE TIME. I don’t know where all that energy came from. I think moving from a small midwestern town to the shithole that is LA was a catalyst for exploring guys who didn’t wear Abercrombie and Fitch and flip flops everyday.
I would date each guy for roughly 5 months, replacing each one as they disenchanted me. I was in love with a different guy multiple times a year, exchanging them for an upgrade. My life was like fucking iTunes. I was flying to Paris every month to visit one guy, dating a broke musician who would cook for me when I was home, while falling in love with multiple comedians, sending love letters to a dirty drug-addict in Yosemite, and going to another guy’s art shows in Venice. I replaced the guy in Paris for a nerd in Vancouver who I broke up with because he wore a Canadian tuxedo (seriously), the musician got exchanged for a music video director with a Wyatt Earp mustache, somehow a trumpet-playing-Scientologist made his way into the mix, followed by a sex-obsessed writer who turned every text conversation into a porno, and now a radio show host who’s twice my age. My birth control pills are like candy from one of those Christmas advent calendars.
But why the fuck were they dating me? And why was I the one to always break their hearts? I don’t get it. I don’t understand guys. I asked all of them what it was they saw in me. The answers varied from “you’re funny and hot, that never exists” or “you’re not psycho and you act like a dude” or “you’re more like a guy than a girl.” That whole girl being more like a dude thing is a little gross, right? Don’t guys WANT girls? Why is it better if we act like dudes? I invited a friend over to play nintendo on my projector and he said “I’d totally date you if I was gay.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Do they think I’m cool because I’ve never had a manicure and I like video games? Guys are fucking idiots.