I woke up today and I was like FUCK, I really have to do this again? Of course talking about my life…in general. I think you can tell how miserable someone is by looking at their google history.
My recent favorites:
“apple in the orange magic trick”
I watched youtube vids on how to do this and I’m STILL like, uhh mind blown?
“clear stretchy bloody vaginal discharge”
Easy there, it ended up I was just ovulating…a miscarriage.
“heartburn from red wine”
“Matthew Mcconaughey movie poster”
I probably wanted to masturbate or something.
“when does pristiq start working?”
That’s the new anti-depressant I started taking recently, I think it’s working, at least I hope.
And of course the saddest thing of all: my name, AND my name in parenthesis.
So my life sucks, but you wouldn’t think so because my job title is “model.” There’s nothing worse than that, honestly. It’s supposed to be glamorous like “oooh blahdy blah is dating a model” NO it sucks! I swear. My brain berries are like “you can do better than this Melissa” and my other brain things are like “but it’s SO easy why would you want to ever apply yourself”
and my body is all like “you like eating” but my model brain is like “anorexia is AWESOME!”
I went to a casting for a Blistex commercial and I actually apologized at the end of my audition.
One of the lines was “my bliss? lips that feel good even when I don’t. My Blistex? New cold and allergy lip soother yadda yadaa…”
So I began “My bliss? fucking fuck fuckity FUCK! I’m an idiot!”
I didn’t get a callback.
Most girls hate getting hit on while walking down the street, but I secretly love it. My favorite incident happened like this: I had my giant 6 inch model heels on that make me walk like Tweety bird, those short awkward steps, and this gentleman in midtown, ok he wasn’t a gentleman at all he was a straight up homeless dude, said “awww shit MODEL ALERT MODEL ALERT!” and I was all like “awww damn” and gave him a high five. Actually no I just scowled at him
and pretended to not hear him for fear of embarrassment. I should’ve stopped and told him how hilarious I thought that was, but one of the things I enjoy the most is not being raped or having AIDS.